Monthly Archives: May 2012

My plan for the last few months has been to apply for graduate studies this fall, finish up the next school year working at BSC and then moving on. But something came over me today as I was more deeply investigating some of the schools I may apply to, and I started searching for DNR/wildlife/ecology jobs. I would say that about 75% of the jobs require a master’s degree, confirming my decision to go on to grad school. But some of them don’t, and so…I applied for a job in Louisiana today. Let me rephrase that: I submitted an application for a job as an environmental scientist if and when there is an opening.

I don’t know why I haven’t been looking for another job. I mean, I love like this job, and with some of the staffing issues our tiny department has had over the last few months, I would feel bad quitting if I were offered another job. But you know what, it’s one thing to feel bad for abandoning this job for another student affairs job at another school, but if I leave this job for a job that is actually falls under my major studies, I think that I will have less to feel bad about. Isn’t that kind of job the reason I went to school in the first place?

Anyway, I don’t know when, if ever, there will be an opening in Louisiana, maybe tomorrow, maybe next year. And I don’t know if they will even consider my application. But here’s praying that I will find something.

Sometimes when I’m really inspired by a homily I like to write either here or in my journal about it. I like to come up with beautiful and dramatic symbols and analogies of the faith in hopes to further inspire others or myself. Today was such a homily, but I realized something:

That isn’t where my soul is at right now. I’m not going to write a stupid and deep analogy about holiness and the priesthood of all believers. I’m not because I don’t feel it. I’m not because I’m not incorporating it into my soul. I’m in a desert right now. I don’t see anything beautiful around me. I can’t stand to look at myself and I out of shame, doubt, and fear I can’t stand to look at Christ. Right now everything is running dry. My prayers, my actions, the Mass, the Sacraments, everything. I hear but I can’t listen. I see but I can’t perceive. I am given gifts, but I can’t receive joy. And there I go, being dramatic again. A desert, hear/listen, see/perceive, gifts/joy.

Sometimes I just get so sick of the facades in Christianity, especially among Catholics. I get so tired of the shallowness. Have you prayed about it? Yes, I’ve freaking prayed about it. Have you spent time in Adoration? Yeah, I’ve spent tons of time in Adoration…awhile ago. You know that God loves you and will forgive you, right? Yeah, so I’ve been told. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m really struggling. Just because God is always good and loving does not mean that life is always bright and sunny. No, in fact, life pretty much sucks. Life is about the suckiest thing there is right now. In fact its been a long time since life was bright and sunny, no matter how good God is. You know, many of the Saints went through intense times of dry prayer, emptiness, and darkness, feeling abandoned by God. You should take consolation in that. Yeah, is if the thought of a future promise of peace and joy will expel the empty dryness of life. Have you ever stopped to think about how many would-have-been-saints also went through those same feelings, same tribulations, and didn’t come out as saints, but turned away and now burn in hell? Probably alot more than actually came out as saints. Then just choose God. Just choose to cooperate with him. Are you insane? That is a lot easier said than done.

Bottom line is…I don’t even remember why I started writing this post. There is a war right now for each of our souls. It just happens that I am currently in the worst part of the war, the part where you can’t remember a time when the war wasn’t happening, and the outlook is so grim that you see no end in sight, hopelessness.

This is the post where I don’t complain about the cheesy African Drum song that we sang before Mass began.

This is the post where I don’t complain about hospitality hosts that roam up and down the aisles during the first five minutes of Mass looking for open seats.

This is the post where I don’t complain about dismissing the children for their own private liturgy.

This is the post where I don’t complain about the three bratty screaming girls sitting in front of me at Mass, likely the result of never having had to sit through Mass because they used to get their own private liturgy.

This is the post where I don’t complain about homilies that are simply a string of Chicken Soup for the Soul stories with no real substance.

This is the post where I don’t complain about applause during Mass, specifically applause for someone singing Ave Maria as a Communion meditation song (kind of ruins the meditation atmosphere with thunderous applause, not to mention the inappropriateness of applause in the liturgy to begin with as stated by Pope Benedict XVI).

This is the post where I don’t complain about the extraordinary number of people who left right after Communion, kind of like Judas.

This is the post where I don’t complain about anything and I pretend that today’s liturgy was beautiful and drew me closer to God. Well done St. Mary’s, well done.

Honesty is the best policy.