Time: 8:00 am
Place: Steven’s Auditorium
Subject: Organic Chemistry
So I’m sitting there, listening to all that we will be learning about this semester. I think about the 50 ton textbook I had just bought for the class. I thought about how much I did not want to be there. Then I asked myself: why am I here? Why in the world am I here, in this classroom right now? This is not really what I want to do with my life. Why am I not at the seminary? Why did I not jump at Fr. Wilhem’s offer to get me into the seminary? If this is truly not where I am called, then what is the point? Sure, I have come to have an appreciative love for chemistry because to me it exhibits the splendor, wisdom, and glory of God. But…..outside of that, I have no use for chemistry if I am truly not called to be a zoologist. Lord, why am I still here?
And is this a concession? Is this the moment I am conceding to God? Am I feeling that the call to the priesthood is legit? Man I think about it ALL the time. Every day. I am constantly think about being a priest. Whether it is willful resistance to the idea, hesitant assent, or thinking to myself, “now I know a priest shouldn’t do that,” it is almost perpetually on my mind, even in my dreams. Two nights ago I had a dream. It was a weird dream, and I wasn’t sure what to think of it. It was kind of abstract in some ways, and filled with lots of symbolism. There were many instruments around me, I think I was in a music store. I picked out a cornet, which, if you don’t know, is very similar to a trumpet and played exactly the same. The trumpet just happens to be the instrument I used to play long ago, and happen to be very prevalent in Scripture. Anyways, I had to take a trumpet class so I could re-learn to play it. As we began I realized that this [being a musician] was not what I wanted to do with my life. This dream was so weird, I don’t understand it. My mom was there with me, and I broke down and told her I wanted to become a priest. Nobody who was in that room seemed surprised in the least, almost as if it was all orchestrated for the sole purpose of showing me that fact.
There is much I don’t understand about that dream, but I don’t doubt its significance in any way. God has been known to jump into my life in different and interesting ways before. All I know is that this is becoming more of a struggle, of a fight, something to wrestle with. I want to be absolutely sure that I am called before I make the decision. But how do I know if I am absolutely sure? Am I sure now? I guess you could say I am, but I still have lots of reservations? Will those reservations ever go away? If not, how do I know?!?! I need to talk to Fr. Wilhelm again soon.
Lord Jesus Christ,
Eternal High Priest, Head of the Priesthood, keep my heart open and my mind sharp as I continue to discern this vocation. My desire is to serve you in my calling because I know that it will bring you honor and glory and praise and that it will fulfill all my joys to do what you created me to do. Hear the intercession of the saints as they pray for me and for all the men and women discern vocations into religious life.
Kneel before your Holy Son on my behalf. Ask him to keep me close to his Sacred Heart as I discern my vocation. Do not leave me unaided, but comfort me and defend me against attacks as I seek to enter into my calling.
God, Father of Light,
Through your goodness you have given us the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Help me Father, to seek him out, to follow him, to believe him, to obey him, your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.