Scared, because at this time tomorrow I will be en route to San Diego. I will have never have been farther from home than this and for such an extended period of time. I am very low on personal money and even lower on support for the trip. If I thought that trusting God for the last three months of support raising were hard, the next month is going to be five times as difficult as all that other time combined. I am truly straining to trust God. My whole relationship is straining. I feel like I am kind of getting back on track, but the last two weeks have been hard and lonely without my support network that I have become so dependent on.
At the moment, a huge part of me does not want to go on project anymore. I don’t want to leave the safety net of the Twin Cities and I do not want to live in such a far away place with so little money, especially a place that is going to be more expensive. My suitcase is packed full of ramen and easy mac that some residents left behind when we closed Reed-Johnson. The other part of me is anxious to get out and go somewhere new. I have never seen the ocean and I have never been farther away from home than Albuquerque, New Mexico. But all-in-all, this is not about a great vacation destination. This is a time for me to heed to God’s will, to trust him, to grow in him. In fact, this next entire year is going to be all about trusting him, because when I get back to school in the fall I will be such a different person and I will also have the huge responsibility of rent, utilities, and groceries.
God, I am completely and utterly afraid right now. I feel so unprepared and I feel like I am going to fail you already. I have no faith in myself anymore. For so long, I have tried so hard to live by my own means and my own ways, not by your provisions and rules. God I have to turn away from myself and turn to you. I have to rely on you for everything now and I should have been doing that all along anyways. God be with me, please fill me with a humble and obedient spirit, one that is lead completely and subserviently to your own Spirit. Let your Will, whatever it be, be done by me. Amen.
I am embarking on the most amazing, most scary, most risky journey that I have ever taken in my life. If you had told me two years ago that I would be going on a mission trip across the country with a college ministry and that I would be trusting completely and utterly on the Lord God alone, I would have laughed in your face, but today I am doing just that, and well, I am not laughing, but shaking uncontrollably on the inside. Doing God’s will is not always easy and knowing that it is God’s will doesn’t make it any less scary. Something big is going to happen to me and my life is never going to be the same. It is going to be better, but it is going to be different and I have no idea what it is and that is what makes it so scary.
Please give me your prayers as I trek to Southern California tomorrow morning.