The last five weeks have been very…full of discernment.
The last post I published was about doubts. The doubts that always seem to accompany me had/have been growing significantly, and right after posting, I took a look at myself and realized that I didn’t really believe what I was preaching, or that at the very least, I had some serious obstacles in my way. And that’s why I shut the blog down, it was an integrity move. I was in no position to teach or comment on the Catholic faith until I was able to overcome the things that were holding me back or definitely conclude that the Faith is indeed not true.
During the last few weeks it has been of utmost important for me to determine what I actually believe, whether it is Catholicism or something else. This required asking questions and seeking answers, and spending lots of time alone in the woods, and some frustratingly lonely time in the Adoration chapel. The questions ranged from whether there is a divine element in any of the things which exist to whether the divine could be polytheistic or must be monotheistic, and whether the Trinity is truly monotheistic or polytheistic. Questions of whether the First Cause must be “made” of spirit only or whether it could be “made” of matter came up too. Why must matter be created, but spirit could be uncreated? Questions arose on whether time truly had a beginning or if time is eternal, and how neither choice gives a satisfactory answer to how I exist here and now in this moment. There were questions about how Christianity spread, and whether it was by divine intervention or simply by power and force, and how it came to my ancestors specifically, the northern Germanic peoples and the Scandinavians. I questioned whether there really was only one true religion, or whether all religions could be true. I questioned whether Original Sin made sense, why I should be punished for the sin of Adam, why God would let his sin be passed on to us at the very moment of our conception. Perhaps most importantly though, the question gnawed in the back of my mind whether all of this questioning was simply me looking for an excuse, any excuse to not have to live chastely as the Church defines it. Was all of this really just about sex?
And so after 5 weeks of reading arguments both in favor and against monotheism, polytheism, theism, Trinity, eternal matter, the first cause, paganism, and Norse heathenism, I came to the conclusion that some of the questions are unanswerable through human reason. I realized that there are some things that I need to just take on faith, and thankfully, that has lead me full circle back to Catholicism, which at certain point (probably after the second Sunday in a row that I skipped Mass in that whole time) seemed highly unlikely to ever happen.
I can’t say that I’m “back to normal” because my faith was never “normal” to begin with, whatever that might mean. In fact, my faith is quite different than it was before, but it is difficult to explain how its different other than that it just is.
I’m very glad to be back, and I’m taking life and faith a little more seriously now. As far as this blog goes, I’ve reopened some of the content I’ve previously posted, but you’ll notice that I cut the amount of posts by over 75%. There was just so much that was a waste of space, so much that was so politically charged and whiny, that I just got tired of looking at it. I’ll be posting regularly, but not every day because it is an unreasonable and untenable goal for someone who is not blogging for a living. What you can expect, though is two to three posts each week, and that the overall tone is going to (hopefully) different than it has been in the past.
Anyway, sorry for the long post. I look forward to posting soon!